


The Lover Within Walls

by psychethelliec



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M, Mental Disorders, Psychological, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2018-02-08
Packaged: 2019-01-15 14:58:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12323319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psychethelliec/pseuds/psychethelliec
Summary: Have you ever imagined a life spent in the same place for years, life as if made to be stagnant as lake water? Not even moving forward? You spent all your time locked away from the world because of the intense fear—so intense that could impair your every day functioning—that something might happen while you were out? You might be thinking it sounded crazy or you might be wondering if it was even true or worse you might be thinking how exaggerated and overly dramatic it was. I couldn’t blame you after all. I believed it was a problem to some people that they wouldn’t believe anything until they could see it with their naked eyes, but there were a lot of things unseen in this world but were true. And all I could say was, yes, that intense fear was true. Some people were going through something as “crazy” as that. And it did to him. It was happening to him.





	1. Yamada

Have you ever imagined a life spent in the same place for years, life as if made to be stagnant as lake water? Not even moving forward? You spent all your time locked away from the world because of the intense fear—so intense that could impair your every day functioning—that something might happen while you were out? You might be thinking it sounded crazy or you might be wondering if it was even true or worse you might be thinking how exaggerated and overly dramatic it was. I couldn’t blame you after all. I believed it was a problem to some people that they wouldn’t believe anything until they could see it with their naked eyes, but there were a lot of things unseen in this world but were true. And all I could say was, yes, that intense fear was true. Some people were going through something as “crazy” as that. And it did to him. It was happening to him.

To Yuri, to the one I loved. 

I had spent almost all my time in my teenage years fantasizing about how I would be the perfect boyfriend to the right person. I was a teenage boy, a hopeless romantic who failed to see the bittersweet reality of love. Through high school, I had to admit I at some point got lost control of my desire to date women that I couldn’t even have a girlfriend more than a month. I didn’t know why, to be honest. All I was thinking was to have fun and make the most out of my high school life. I was too wrapped up in myself all I ever wanted was to satisfy myself to be happy, but that _was_ high school. I had learned from all the mistakes I did back then and had apologized to all the people I had hurt while I was on my way to self-exploration. 

I was in college when I really started swearing to myself that I would make the new chapter a better one. I had sworn to myself and even to my friends that I would change for the better and not be the egotistical boy they knew back in high school. I was pretty much sure majority of us, if not all, had come to that rebellious stage, and it just really depended on us if we were going to be stuck there or move on and live a better life. And I was beyond grateful to have chosen the latter, otherwise, I wouldn’t have met the person, the man, I saw spending my whole life with. 

_The right person._

It wasn’t an easy relationship being with a man and it wasn’t also easy to be in a relationship with someone who just had to be locked away from the world because of his intense fears; however, I believe for a hard relationship to work out, it really required a tremendous amount of maturity and understanding for either of the party, if both were not possible. We couldn’t have everything good in the world after all. But you know what, no relationship was easy. It just differed in the way couples dealt with it. 

 

“Yama-chan, your phone is ringing.”

It was a tap on my shoulder from Yuto that snapped me back to my senses from all the thoughts I had been having. I was tired from work and I really craved for some warm cuddles from Yuri, but Yuto and his boyfriend Keito, my buddies since high school, were there at my work to pick me up and then dragged me to have a night out and some beer and some good food. And honestly, I failed to resist, but I couldn’t help not to stop thinking that Yuri was at home all by himself. Not that he was incapable of taking good care of himself, but for someone like Yuri to be left all by himself for long hours always made me worried. 

“Yuri?” I answered the call. It was really rare for him to call me first. 

“Uhm... Am I bothering you in your night out?” Yuri asked, softly and silently. I was pretty much sure he was overthinking this call again. 

_Oh, Yuri...why I love you._

“No, no! It’s fine.” I interjected as I walked away from the noise of Yuto’s big mouth that spat nothing but nonsense and annoyance. “I’ll be home soon. I just really had to give in since we hadn’t seen each other for almost three months.” There was silence from the other line, so I just went on. I did not want to put too much burden to Yuri to try his hardest in expressing himself all the time. Sometimes, I just had to initiate the push for him to go on. “Are you okay? It was rare for you to call me, but I am happy you did.”

I heard his single soft chuckle. “Well, since you are away, my therapist suggested he should just come over instead,” I flinched at the thought I forgot his therapy session today, but he didn’t stop talking, “so he’d be here for an hour or two and you just go have fun and perhaps I’d see you around eight-ish or whatever time you come home?”

“I am really sorry for not being able to accompany you today, I really am, but it is really nice of him to offer rather coming by. Maybe he could do that more.” I laughed.

“You know he couldn’t! Me going there is part of his therapy, although I really wish he could just come here all the time, it can’t be. But, he’s kind, so I am thankful for that.” 

“Yeah?”

There was another silence, but this time I didn’t initiate to continue. I was just thinking of some childish stuff about Yuri’s therapist who was actually good-looking that sometimes I felt intimidated. Was it even okay for him a therapist? I meant, everyone could be one, but wouldn’t his clients rather fall for him or whatever kind of unhealthy relationship? Because he could really be too kind to Yuri, although he said before he was like that to almost all his patients and he’d rather call it empathy than being ‘too kind’, still he was a man being kind to my boyfriend that sometimes I wondered if it was still healthy for their client-therapist relationship. It was healthy, for everyone’s information, and I was just really being irrational at times and being jealous because for fucking sake he was the prince-charming type of therapist that clients might be too willing to be a malingerer just too see him. He understood people more than anyone else and he knew so much about Yuri and the things he could only be honest about during their therapy sessions, so I couldn’t help but be worried because what else could you ask for more? He practically had it all. And I had no rights to ask Yuri about whatever they talked about because I believed he had his own reasons why there were things he couldn’t tell me but during a therapy with a licensed professional, and with that I had no objection at all. I knew that letting honest emotions to his therapist was way better than opening up to someone, or even to me, who could only just give what we could.

“Ryosuke?” His voice was laced with worry.

I blinked and then rubbed the back of my head. I sometimes really got lost in my own thoughts all of a sudden. “Oh, sorry. I was away for a while.”

“I’ve noticed.” He giggled. “So, see you soon, then? He’ll be here in ten.”

“Yeah. See you, okay? I love you.”

“I love you, too. And I hope you were not thinking something childish and stupid again about my therapist,” he sang the last part and it was just his way of teasing me because he knew, even if he wouldn’t tell me and I wouldn’t tell him, that I really got jealous of his therapist.

I laughed and at the same time felt embarrassed. Yuri could really be sensitive most of the time that even if I was not around he could still be too good in guessing what I was thinking or what face I was even making. 

“I wasn’t! I know I am better-looking and you love me the best, you told me that, and that if you would choose between a therapist and a normal person like me, you would still choose me because you love me the most in the world.” Saying all those things he said to me a lot of times somehow made my irrational worries gone.

“It’s a good thing you know all that! So just always keep that in your head, okay?!” 

I hummed as my response because it made my heart flutter with the simplest ways Yuri could be to make me feel how much he loved me. 

“I’ll hang up now, okay? Don’t drink a lot!”

When I went back to our table, Yuto was still spitting nonsense to Keito and sometimes I just really admired Keito for being so tolerant with how much his boyfriend’s mouth could run. Well, that really was it if you loved someone for real—you would be willing to tolerate everything as long as it was just as minor as Yuto’s nonsense.

I cleared my throat before I had a big gulp of my beer and Yuto and Keito were currently looking at me with those questioning eyes, which I found really annoying all the time. I could tell they knew who I just talked to. 

“What?”

“Nothing,” Keito lied. I knew because he was not an expert in lying. He might have said it was nothing but his body language conveyed otherwise. 

“I know it’s not nothing. You are looking at me with the same questioning eyes like you did the first time I opened up about Yuri. Although I already told you a lot of times I am not tired, I am still going to ask again for the fact I wanted you to know that your side is also important, so _what_ is it now?” 

I had to admit that at times I really just got angry with the two of them. They could be mean, Keito with his body language and Yuto with his words, about me being in a relationship with Yuri. Like what I have said, it was not an easy relationship, but it was not the relationship I could see giving up just because my boyfriend had a rare disorder that at some point made me be locked away from the world as well. It was a choice I made and it was not because of his disorder.

Yuri was diagnosed with agoraphobia, an anxiety-related disorder, midway college years, but his panic disorder had been diagnosed since he was in high school. It was really a complicated disorder, in my subjective opinion, and it was complex and ugly as hell as well since it was comorbid anxiety disorders that just made things even harder for Yuri to handle, considering the fact he had no family to tend to his every need. How could someone like him who already had intense anxiety about having another panic attacks then later on had another intense fear of going to places where he thought escape was impossible? One anxiety disorder alone was already too much, what else mere if it was comorbid? And what else more if he only had me? His medication and therapy sessions were expensive, but he was lucky enough to have found clinics financially supported by the government, so that made his expenses smaller and affordable. All thanks to the Japanese Government for seeing mental health as equal as physical health. 

Yuri and I started dating in the first-year of college and he had to withdraw from school before the third year because the agoraphobic symptoms had its onset. I remember he got me so worried when all of a sudden he stopped going to classes. When I went to see him, he was just right there in his place locked up, a mess that he wasn’t even able to afford a bath for days because he felt like he was going to die inside his bathroom, considering the fact how claustrophobic it was. When we went to his therapist, there we found out that this rare disorder agoraphobia was starting to present itself. His therapist said it was not uncommon for panic disorder to be comorbid with agoraphobia, but it was rare for agoraphobia to start presenting later when it usually went with panic disorder. The therapist tried everything he could to prevent comorbidity, but the agoraphobia went months and months and I had seen the worst about having a mental disorder. When he was diagnosed, I suggested we should rather live together, so I could look after him, and it really took a long time before he agreed to it because he never liked the thought of being taken care of, let alone being a burden. Since he stopped his education, he started working as a home-based freelance artist and it paid him well enough. We split with all the expenses, as his request because he would really not just allow me to pay the majority, and the company I was working at also paid well just to keep us off the streets. We had been living together for almost four years and all I could say that everything was perfect, despite Yuri’s disorder that I kept telling my two friends that Yuri would never be defined by his disorder. Yuri and I had chosen to see the positive and the brighter side of his case.

“Keito is really not expressive, but we just realized you look old and so worn out,” Yuto remarked. He was really the voice of Keito’s body language. Just that I wasn’t sure if it was all accurate. “Do you even still get the chance to go out and breathe?”

I rubbed a finger under my nose to “bodily-speak” to them my annoyance. I was not annoyed at what Yuto commented about my looks. I was more annoyed by the fact that he was not speaking directly to the point. 

I answered, monotonously, “It’s the work. I had so much to do for the week it worn me out.”

“Are you still eating healthy?”

“Yes, I am. I always eat healthily, so don’t worry about me, although I know it wasn’t my health you were worrying about, if you were really worried.”

Yuto was obviously taken aback as his eyes were wide and, for the meantime, the three of us spoke nothing. Yuto was expressive but he was not direct, which just sometimes irritated me, but it was barely hard to guess his intentions beforehand. That was his way to avoid hurting me—appreciated, yes—but I hated it especially if what his concern was concerning me and Yuri. Most especially Yuri.

He looked at Keito and Keito just looked at him, slightly shaking his head. Perhaps he was trying to tell him to stop talking because it might not just do us good, but Yuto was just as stubborn. He cleared his throat and tried to give me a feigned smile. “Good. So, when are we going to meet your boyfriend? You’ve been together since first year college and since then you denied our requests to meet him. It has been, what, six years since you started dating? And four years, is it, since you started living under the same roof and we still never have a sight of him? Don’t you think it’s odd?”

“Odd for _you_ , but for someone who has comorbid anxiety disorders, it’s pretty damn hell not. I didn’t let you see him even before he was diagnosed with agoraphobia for the reason you never dare understand his situation and also for the reason I don’t want you to. If you want to see him, you can check my Facebook account. I post tons of pictures of him and he is the same even in person. I won’t waste a day for you guys to have a chance attacking my boyfriend.”

“Yeah, I noticed. Your account is full of nothing but your boyfriend and you and your sweet stuff I sometimes wonder if it was really your account or someone else’s. But at least try for you, you know what I mean? And attacking? We are not. We are just worried about you.”

I sniggered, my mouth closed in a sneer while shaking my head. This conversation was already hopeless to begin with. I didn’t understand why I still let this nonsense to go on. I collected my stuff from the chair next to me and stood in front of them for a while. I clenched and unclenched my hand, secretly taking deep breaths to relax my nerves because if I did otherwise, I would just snap out at them, and it was never a good outcome if I was influenced by alcohol. What Yuto said was beyond the belt and I had no energy to tolerate it, but I also had no energy to argue.

“Yama-chan?” It was Keito who spoke and I could see worry and fear in his eyes. 

“We hadn’t seen each other for three months and all I wanted today was to have fun, but sometimes, the both of you could just really spoil it. I know you weren’t worried if I eat healthily or when are you going to meet him. And if there is someone you need to be worried about, it’s not me because I am doing perfectly fine, but Yuri is not and he needs me.

“I know that inside your head you are thinking that the reason I look shit now is that of Yuri and his disorder that you two never dared to understand. And I am so done explaining to both of you, do you know that? It hurts. It hurts me when the two people I held important in my life the longest could be a prick towards my boyfriend and that is one of the reasons I don’t want you to meet him. I love you both, but you are heartless especially to the person I love most,” I hissed at them and tried my very best to be as calm as I could be. I did not want to make a scene in this good resto-bar and ruin the fun everyone was having just like what my friends did to me. I had to speak my mind to them. If I didn’t, they would never understand, though I knew they would never dare. But even just for my sake—their friend for years.

“But he is!” Yuto cried, obviously drunk, and it made the other people turn to us. Keito held him on his arm and tried to whisper spells to him to get his shit together, but Yuto didn’t listen. “He is the reason why you are like this now, can’t you see?! He is locked away and you are locked away as well and as your friend, I could not just watch you make your life even harder than it already is! And okay, anxiety, agora-something, whatever it is, are they even real? Because I am sure they are all just in his head!”

I pressed my trembling lips together as I felt the tears behind my eyes creating the lump inside my throat. I had to keep reminding myself that he was drunk and it was the alcohol talking, so I could not punch him in the face, but it was hard to differentiate because Yuto, if compared to Keito, was more expressive when it came to what he felt about Yuri and his disorders since the beginning. And it was getting harder and harder to explain things to him because, as time passed by, he was just getting more and more closed-minded as he was a traditionalist when it came to mental disorders—he believed they weren’t true and were just all in the head. He was partly true there, ergo called “mental” disorders, but he was wrong about almost everything. He obviously did know nothing about mental disorders, in which I had just learned throughout my relationship with Yuri. However, the point was you didn’t have to witness or experience it on your own to understand it. That was the stigma with mental disorders—they weren’t visible for one to believe it and it needed to be stopped. Yuto was kind, but I couldn’t even think of reasons why he could be that jerk to Yuri. Normally, friends avoided saying or doing things that would hurt each other, but for Yuto, his being honest was his way of being a true friend. Though sometimes he could really be over the belt and he did not care about it as long as he was able to convey his feelings.

I grabbed my wallet from my bag and slammed a few yen on the table. “Thanks for ruining the night. I _had_ fun.” I walked out from the resto-bar and Keito followed me until we were outside. 

“I am sorry about that, Yama-chan! I am sorry! He just had enough!” he cried.

“Enough of what, Keito?!” I shouted and I was sorry for displacing all the anger to him.

He looked into my eyes and took a really deep sigh. “Yuto is always expressive, but we both know he never talks about his feelings. He has been hiding it for quite a long time, but he really felt that your boyfriend—“

“ _My_ boyfriend?!”

He took a deep inhale and then bit his lip, his eyes blinked few times. “I—I meant Chinen-kun.”

“Keito, is it really that difficult for you guys to accept and understand him that you can’t even mention his name, huh?!”

“No, no, I’m sorry. I just got used to it.” He sighed once again and I didn’t say anything. “Yuto felt like he is stealing you away from us.”

I laughed a real one because it was really funny, but Keito reasoning out Yuto’s action made things worse. “What is he, Keito?! An elementary kid?! For fucking sake, we are already an adult! I have a boyfriend who needs me and you are there when he needs you, so what else more does he want?! He has to grow up!”

He sighed as he rubbed his temples with his thumb and index finger. “I know, Yama-chan, I know, but what can we do? What can do? He never listens. And between us, you are the one he is closest with even in high school.”

“I think the best thing to do is to _not_ tolerate him with all his shit any longer, you know what I mean? You don’t have to be under his shadow all the time and doing whatever he wanted you to do! He needs to realize it is him who has to do something. I am not _anyone’s_ possession. I have my own life, _you_ have your own life, and I get to choose the life I want to live and that is with Yuri, okay? You have to understand it and accept it.” 

I left Keito without saying anything more, not even a word of good bye. I understood where Yuto was coming from, but it was childish and irrational. We had been friends since high school and we were really close like brothers, so at some point, I understood why he was having that feeling I was being taken away. But I was not. Yuri was not taking me away from them, but it was because I chose to be away because Yuri needed me more. He was going through something much worse than Yuto and Keito might have. I gave them time. I met up with them when I could, though it was really rare, like two or three times in a year because my work was eating my time as well, and not just Yuri. But that didn’t mean he was taking me away. We just had our own lives and own responsibilities as adults. And I was just as hell sure that if I asked Yuri if he would be okay alone, he would just give me a straight yes without hesitation because he didn’t want me to live the life he was living, but here I was with him for almost six years and it was because I chose it.

I went to the convenience store just few blocks away from our apartment to buy two cans of beer because I was not able to have enough back in the resto-bar. I stayed to drink at our apartment’s smoking slash barbeque area, just in front of the parking, as I waited for Yuri’s therapy session to finish. I looked at our apartment’s window and saw the lights were on. I smiled and I could still remember so well the first time we moved in. It took Yuri weeks to adjust to the new environment because it was a major change in his life and he needed to be conditioned to feel safe with his new environment or else he would just have more frequent attacks than he usually had before. One of the good things I loved about him was the fact that he was trying his best to help himself in order to be better, which was really a good thing for the therapy as it would make his prognosis better. He was a man who wanted nothing but to be better and live a better life, and that alone made me want to keep fighting with him. He had not come out of the house for four years, although there were few times, though rare, because he had to go to the clinic for his therapy and it always had to be with a company, which was me, but imagine living almost the entire time in just one place for years? Agoraphobia made them to be locked away from the world just because of the intense fear that escape or help would be impossible when they had another panic attack. They feared to be in closed or open spaces, riding the public transport or even the private ones, being away from home or staying home alone for a long time, and other more situations that just made life for them even harder. And I had to admit it was really hard and painful, but it was something I was so willing to deal with for a long time. It always hurt me whenever he had an attack because he would just cry nonstop, would tremble while I held him in my arms to calm him down, and sometimes what scared me most when things were hard for him and all he _wanted_ was to die, apart from the times he thought he was always dying due to his panic attack. That was why I tried my best to be with him as much as possible because I could not afford to lose him. We both wanted him to be better and live a much better life, if not normal. 

“Yamada-san, good evening.”

I heard my name mentioned and I just realized I was away with my train of thoughts again. My eyes shifted to where Yuri and his therapist were, both smiling at me. The therapy session must have ended and Yuri was sending him off. 

“Have you been here long?” Yuri asked and it was obvious he was worried again. His therapist looked at him and he looked at me with a familiar look that, yes, he was thinking too much again. “It was cold out here. You might catch a cold, do you know that?”

“I am fine, Yuri. Don’t worry. The beer’s making me warm after all,” I assured him although I had to admit it was really cold.

“Yamada-san is having a night out all by _himself_ here in the smoking area on a cold Friday night,” the therapist teased. He knew that no matter how much I wanted Yuri to accompany me for a drink, we could not do it because he was taking his medication and it might just cause a paradoxical reaction which might not be good for him.

“Just go home, sensei!” I barked, jokingly. I threw my cans of beer to the bin and walked towards Yuri to wrap an arm around him, slightly pressing my body against his. He smiled at me and mouthed me a greeting of welcoming me home.

“I’ll leave you two now since I can see in Yamada-kun’s eyes his dire need for warm cuddles. It must have been a long day, so he deserves a reward.” He looked at me with his ever annoying smug face. He turned to Yuri and gave him a wink in which my little one responded with a giggle. Yuri’s therapist was too kind that we both felt comfortable with him easily, so there he was freely and comfortably teasing us because he got off with it and just because he knew he could.

“Thank you, sensei. Until the next session, then?” Yuri waved a goodbye to him, smiling. That smile seemed like the session they had had some good result. 

When his therapist drove off, I held him even closer and gave him a kiss on his temple before we walked back to our apartment. “You seemed really happy,” I mentioned.

He looked at me and smiled a sweet, innocent one. “Well, sensei said I am doing better and better every time we meet. He also said our sessions will be twice in a month starting after this month than once a week as long as no relapse aaaand,” He beamed at me in the pause, “If I go on getting better, he might not prescribe me medications and that means beer nights! Yayyyy! It’s good news, right?”

I didn’t know why it gave me goosebumps, but that really happened to me whenever emotions overwhelmed me. I was genuinely happy. In the past year, all we had been hearing was positive comments and I was thankful Yuri was giving everything he could. The side effects of his medications were not just really so pleasing to see, so the possibility of stopping medication excited me because, he was right, beer nights, finally! It had been quite a long time since I had spent a peaceful night, with a peaceful music and beer, with my beloved. It was something worth anticipating for! 

I grinned at him. “Yes, it is. It’s all because you help yourself get better. _Otsukare_ , love.”

He did not say anything anymore but just smiled warmly at me until we arrived at our apartment. He immediately prepared me a good hot bath and even though I told him I could do it later and I just wanted to cuddle him, he still insisted because I smelled of beer and cigarette. However, I knew he noticed something was wrong, but he was trying his best not to ask me about it especially if he felt I had the aura I didn’t want to talk about it, therefore in exchange was the hot bath because he knew it would soothe me. It always did and I was more than thankful he could do a lot of things for my sake when it should be the other way around. Moreover, I knew that he knew I had another quarrel with Yuto because that happened quite a lot, maybe since Yuto started feeling that Yuri was “taking me away” from them, and I had been honest about that to Yuri because no secret ever went unnoticed from him no matter how much I didn’t want him to know because it would just add up to what he was carrying.

Yuri called me for the hot bath and I just felt better seeing his smile not leaving his face. He was obviously happy though I could see through how his brows were furrowed, indicating worry, I had no heart to spoil that happiness. He deserved it most after all. 

“You will talk about it after the bath, right?” He asked me before I went to the bathroom. His voice was soft and comforting.

“Maybe tomorrow?” 

“Will you be okay sleeping with that heavy feeling?”

I looked into his eyes that spoke nothing but worry as I waited for few seconds to pass by with just complete quietude before I replied, “No. And I know you will not be okay sleeping with the same worry.” His mouth twitched. “After the bath.”

“Okay. After the bath,” he parroted.

But before I could get in the bathroom, I held him on his neck and pulled him for a kiss on the lips. It was slow but deep and sweet and damn I would trade any day just to get to cuddle and love him like this as much as I could.

When he pulled away, I looked into his eyes and smiled. “Yuri, you know I love you, right?”

He smiled, nodding. “And you know I love you, too.”

“And you know I am always here for and with you, right?”

“Elementary for me, Ryo~”

I beamed at him and he tiptoed to give me a swift kiss on the lips again before he pushed me to the bathroom.

 

It was not long when I finished the hot bath and it was refreshing as always, especially in this cold weather and the fact that our heater didn’t keep us warm enough at all. Although it was fine because that meant Yuri and I could cuddle more and even tighter.

“Yuri—“ 

I stopped because as soon as I stepped out, there was Yuri seated on the couch with his head hanging low, asleep. It brought a smile to my face as I remembered how many times I had told him that if he was sleepy, he should just get to bed and not wait for me, but there he still was—waited until he fell asleep. He could really be stubborn at times, but this time I was more thankful he had fallen asleep than have him hear all the shit that happened earlier. 

I walked toward him and noticed that there was an unfinished artwork drawn just by using a black ballpoint pen on his lap. It seemed to be a quick sketch of a town from the viewer’s perspective drawn on one of the random scratch papers he might have just found among his piles of papers as his means of diverting his attention to avoid being anxious, and perhaps he did tonight, so he would not dwell so much on my issue. That already became a habit of him and as I had seen in the previous ones, it helped him avoid thinking of any anxiety-provoking thoughts.

It looked like a mess at first glance, the sketch, but somehow the repetitive lines of his drawing, with some shading, made it look like a unique style, rather than hardened lines due to the fact that pen ink was not erasable. I couldn’t say anything better than it was good because I was not an artist to begin with and was never artistic and imaginative like he was, but Yuri was really a good artist even before. I could still remember those times back in college I most of the time would see him just doodling in his chair as if he was in his own sweet bubble and not even appearing to be paying attention to class for me to find out at the end he was actually listening when he would be called up first to get his Scantron sheet because he was the highest in the exams, or sometimes second which was rare. He hated math and that was usually the lowest he got, which in fact not low at all for the average minds like mine. Sometimes, I would just wonder how could a petite man like him had talents people would think he was not capable of doing? He was always the curious one, definitely a living proof that we were indeed social animals but were rational human beings, which made us different from animals. And that just made me more and more proud of him.

I scooped him in my arms and laid a butterfly kiss on his forehead before I laid him gently on the bed and tucked him under that warmth of our blanket. He flinched a little until he rolled to his side, hugging the bolster in the middle of our bed because he said before it was my substitute on those days I had to be home from work beyond his sleeping time. However, I was here and he needed no more bolster.

“Good night, love,” I whispered to his ear as soon as I tucked myself under the blanket next to him, held him really close, and then gave him another kiss but on the lips. I loved watching him sleep because he looked so serene like he was not carrying anything on his plate. His sleeping face was like a façade that concealed all the wounds he had because of what he was going through. It was painful, but Yuri himself was already beautiful in the beginning, regardless of who he was and what he had. He was more than all those wounds and it always made me happy and always made me feel to see that he was trying all his very best to become a person much and much and much better than his disorders. He would never let agoraphobia and panic disorder to rule him because he knew to himself that he was more than capable.


	2. Yamada

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Have you ever imagined a life spent in the same place for years, life as if made to be stagnant as lake water? Not even moving forward? You spent all your time locked away from the world because of the intense fear—so intense that could impair your every day functioning—that something might happen while you were out? You might be thinking it sounded crazy or you might be wondering if it was even true or worse you might be thinking how exaggerated and overly dramatic it was. I couldn’t blame you after all. I believed it was a problem to some people that they wouldn’t believe anything until they could see it with their naked eyes, but there were a lot of things unseen in this world but were true. And all I could say was, yes, that intense fear was true. Some people were going through something as “crazy” as that. And it did to him. It was happening to him.

It had been two months since the last time I had seen and had heard of Yuto and Keito.

During my lunch break, they gave me a call inviting me for a night out. At first, I was hesitant to go as I feared it would just mean another argument between us, so I told him I’d call them soon after informing Yuri, though I knew he would just allow me to go. 

I didn’t expect Yuto to apologize or of some sort because he wouldn’t until he was proven wrong. I wasn’t angry with him anymore at all because it had been months and I was no longer thinking about it. Yuri had advised me to patch things up with them before when I told him about it, but I didn’t because that would just make Yuto think he was right. It was the pride of me, but why would I be the one to come to him and talk things out when I didn’t even do anything wrong? Besides, that was how we had been even before. We didn’t apologize as we just let the time washed the issues away. It wasn’t healthy, but I think we all three were just really proud that apologies might hurt our egos. 

I grabbed my phone from my drawer to give Yuri a call to check up on him and inform him about the night’s agenda. It rang five times before he was able to answer. “Hello, Yuri?”

“Oh, Ryosuke, it’s you.” His voice was soft and weak. 

“You sounded off. Are you okay?”

“I am fine. I just got up from my nap. I fell asleep while I was working on something on Ps.”

“A digital artwork this time, I see. I am sorry if I woke you up. Are you feeling better now?”

Yuri had an attack the morning before I left for work. I was prepping up and he was still asleep when all of a sudden he got up and started crying and shouting about not leaving him behind and all. At first, I didn’t understand it, but he told me that he had a bad dream about me leaving him behind. He was crying in his dream and begging me to stay, but I didn’t. Then he got woken up sweating, pale, trembling, and his heart beating madly he thought he was going to have a heart attack. That was one scary thing for panic attacks—you didn’t know when it would occur. He was quite aggressive as well, hitting his chest over and over again with the hope it would stop his quickening heart and it scared me because all I could do was to hold him in my arms really tight and kept reminding him to breathe slowly with me and talked him through that it was just a dream and that I wouldn’t leave him and it meant no danger for him. And after almost ten minutes, he had overcome the attack. I insisted staying, so I could check up on him round the clock, but he insisted I should just go and not worry about him. That was why I had to check up on him time to time because I didn’t win.

“Nope, it’s fine. I am rather thankful because I might have overslept. I have to submit this to the company later at 6 pm and the pay is high since it’s rushed, so I can’t lose this.”

“Oh,” I whispered. “I guess you won’t be able to come for dinner later?”

“Dinner? Where?”

“Well, Yuto and Keito called earlier and invited me for dinner or a quick night out since there’s work tomorrow. And I also thought it might be a good thing to come with you, so you could meet them as well and all, but I guess you can’t?”

“That’s good, isn’t it, you meeting them again? But I don’t think that would be a good idea to tag me along. It’s your night out. It’s been months again since you last saw each other and it wasn’t good the last time.”

“Why wouldn’t that be a good idea? They wanted to meet you even before.”

“Yeah? Maybe next time, I guess?”

I pouted even though I knew he wouldn’t see. “Will you be okay tonight? Or is it okay for me to go? I mean we could set it next time if you don’t want me to go.”

I heard him chuckle. “Why would I not let you? Ryo, spend some time out because you need it. It will be helpful. Being at home all the time is boring and makes you think a lot of things not helpful,” he said, like how he always did. Sometimes, I got really sad that Yuri couldn’t understand that I was much better spending time with him than be anywhere else. I hated it when he thought and felt like he was making my life somewhat miserable and less fun when it was actually the other way around. “I will be fine, Ryosuke, if that’s what you’re worried about. Besides, I will be preoccupied with what I am doing, so I think I can survive without being monitored during your night out. I can do this, Ryo. I can, right?”

I took a deep sigh, a smile forming on my lips. My little one would never let me win at this. “Yes,” I paused, “Of course, you can. You always can. I love you.”

“I love you,” he cooed.

“I’d come home to change and see you and kiss you lots before I meet up with them, okay?”

He laughed and then sang his reply, “Okayyyy. Looking forward to lots of kisses.”

“I got you, love!”

“Wasn’t that supposed to be _I got you, fam_ like the popular online thing?”

“You’re on Facebook too much, love, aren’t you?”

He chuckled. “Well, it kills time, _fam_!”

“You’re my fam, but you’re my love, get that?”

“Clearly, sir!”

 

I arrived at the same resto-bar we went to the last time thirty-minutes late.

Giving Yuri lots of kisses and cuddling him for a short time made me want to crave for more. I told him I wanted to ditch them and just cuddle and all, but of course, he wouldn’t let me. Rather, he told me he could give me more time for cuddles, ergo getting late. 

There were two girls with new faces seated with Keito and Yuto and they were chatting when I walked up to their table. “Sorry, I’m late,” I apologized as I sat beside Keito and Yuto, exchanging smiles with the two women across us and somehow feeling awkward seeing my two buddies again, and more awkward being with new people. “And they are?” I looked at Yuto and then to the two women. 

“Oh.” He blinked. “They are my officemates.” He then pointed to the girl on our left, “This is Erin-chan,” and then pointed to the girl on our right, “and this is Miki-chan,” then pointed at me, “and this is our friend Yama-chan.”

They smiled at me and we politely greeted each other.

“Have I made you guys wait for a long time?” I asked as I signaled to the waiter a mug of beer. “I really am sorry. I had to get back to my apartment to change and check up on Yuri.”

“Yuri?” It was Miki who asked.

I looked at both Keito and Yuto and they just shrugged. I cleared my throat. “Uhm, my boyfriend.”

I noticed the two women nodding their heads slowly with their mouths like a letter O, but I just ignored and decided not to think more about it. I didn’t want this night ruined again and I must not do it on my own. I wanted the night to be fun, especially that there were new people that perhaps I could just get along with and might widen our circle of friends. Being with Yuto and Keito only could really be tiring at times.

Time passed and I wasn’t a tad bit aware that we were having fun for hours already. The two women were surprisingly good to hang out with as they were funny and were loud just like Yuto as well. They were shy with me at first, but when we surpassed the getting-to-know each other stage, things started to get well. They were interesting to talk to—clever just like Yuri— and we even had some political topics we talked about. I thought it was only men who could talk about politics and history when there was alcohol, but I was proven wrong. We almost had a debate about the best prime minister that had served Japan, but I was thankful it was rather a healthy conversation. However, I had to admit that Erin was a little touchy, or it could be just my interpretation, but if I had to compare her behavior with her friend, she was really pretty touchy. It made me uncomfortable in the beginning, but when I noticed she was the same with Yuto and Keito, I didn’t waste time dwelling on it anymore. 

“Excuse me for a while. I need to leak,” I said and stood up. I was kind of surprised I felt lightheaded. It had been a while since the last time I had beer.

“You’re getting drunk, Yama-chan,” mentioned Keito.

I looked at him and my eyes were already heavy, almost half closed. “I am. That’s why I will go home when I still can after the loo. I can’t shit around tonight because I have work tomorrow. And Yuri—“

Yuto and Keito broke into laughter, followed by the two women who perhaps had no idea what they were even laughing at.

“The gents now, Yama-chan, for god’s sake!” Yuto shouted while gesturing me to the restroom. I really talked a lot when I was getting intoxicated.

When I got back, I checked my phone that I left on the table to see if Yuri had a message or something, but there was none. I knew he was letting me have fun, but it was already quarter to nine o’clock and I knew I couldn’t stay longer. 

“I really have to get going now,” I said while slipping my phone into my pants’ pocket.

“It’s still early, Yama-chan. Stay a little longer. Besides, we’re having fun. The night’s just starting. We even used to drink out until morning,” Yuto whined like a kid and it was kind of annoying.

I looked at him with a smirk. “That was before. Things have changed now. Besides, don’t you guys have work tomorrow?” I asked the women since I knew they would give me a more reliable answer.

“We have,” they said in unison. 

“Okay, great. Good luck with that,” I said, sarcastically. “But I really need to go now. Thanks. I enjoyed tonight,” I added while walking backward. I looked at the women and smiled, “It was nice meeting you both.” 

I was about to turn around and leave when Yuto called me, “Yama-chan! Since you now knew my other two friends, why don’t you exchange numbers with them? It might be easier to get in touch if ever we plan on the next night out.” 

“You have my number,” I told him before I looked at the two women, “But please do introduce yourself when you text me. I don’t want my boyfriend to think he is not the only one and that I am having a secret affair.”

“Shut up, you’re not a kid anymore!”

I just smiled at him as my reply, waving my hand as I walked away. _You’re the kid one_ was the reply I wanted to tell him but didn’t. I knew Yuto would flare up if I told him that. He was good at being a jerk, but he hated being done the same.

I hailed the cab that just passed by as soon as I was outside the resto-bar. The alcohol was already starting to get into my system as I was starting to feel more light-headed, my face getting numb, my shoulder aching, and my head pounding, which were always the side effects of alcohol intoxication to me. I felt my phone vibrated inside my pocket, thinking it was a text from Yuri, but when I checked, it was a text from an unregistered number saying, ‘ _Hey there, Yamada-kun. This is Erin. It was nice meeting you._ ’

I smiled at it, but I didn’t bother giving her a reply because if I did, the conversation would just go on when all I wanted was to be home, have a hot coffee, and then cuddle with Yuri. With that my day would already be completed. However, she didn’t stop texting me, so I gave her a reply, ‘ _Oh, hi! Nice meeting you, too._ ’ She didn’t reply after that, which I found funny, but I thought she might be on her way home or it could be that Yuto made her stop texting because it would ruin the fun or she felt that I didn’t want to have a text conversation with her which was the truth. I didn’t care, though, but as soon as I stepped out of the cab, my phone vibrated again. I ignored it and just went up to the apartment and I was greeted with a warm smile from my lover who was seated on the couch with a music playing by his favourite English band Coldplay while in his pyjama pants I bought him for fun from the women’s section when I was shopping for some clothes after we moved in. It was white with pink laces at the hem and pink heart prints all over. He looked adorable. So lovely. And it still surprised me that this man before me could pull off such a great image regardless of what he was wearing, regardless if it was for men or not. Maybe because he was already feminine looking to begin with that was why either fit him well enough.

My eyes were fixed on him without saying anything and he was just sat there as well with his eyes fixed on me, our smiles reflecting on one another. He was really beautiful—an angel, indeed—and I really wanted to spend forever with him if I wasn’t asking too much.

I walked up to him and sat beside him, his head falling on my shoulder. “So, it’s a Coldplay kind of night and a woman’s pyjama pants,” I said, giggling.

He chuckled in between his hum as his answer and didn’t say anything at all. 

I looked at him as he pulled his legs up to hug them close to his chest then looked up at me. “How are you, my love? What made this day worthy of Coldplay? I bet a good feedback from the company you sent your work to?”

“Great—me and the feedback and the pay! Is that news to you, my love? You made the most talented man in the world as your boyfriend. You should have expected it.”

I broke into laughter because I missed his sense of humor. He could really be funny even though joking was never his expertise, but that was what made it funnier plus his straight facial expression as if his jokes were real. Although the one he just said was indeed real, he was not the type to brag about it that was why I knew he was trying to crack a joke.

“Apologies, my love. I need to keep being reminded from time to time of how magnificent you are as a person and of how lucky I am to have a boyfriend like you,” I said as a matter of fact as I wrapped an arm around him and pulled him closer to me. He leaned forward and gave me a soft kiss on the crook of my neck. I smiled before I held his face and kissed him on his lips. It was the first since I got home and I had been craving for it. My phone vibrated again inside my pocket but I had no time for texting. I needed his lips and his kisses—my powerhouse. I needed him.

“Your breath smells of alcohol and cigarette,” he managed to mumble between our kiss and I cared less as I just kept kissing him over and over and over again. My hand that was on the side of his face went down to his neck as the other one was around his waist. I pulled him up to sit on my laps, the kiss definitely unbreakable, as he wrapped an arm around my neck. It was the sweetest, as always, and romantic to just spend time making each other feel the overflowing love we have for each other. 

Coldplay’s Everglow playing in the background even made the romantic moment beyond sweetest and warmer. I wasn’t a fan of Coldplay, but because of Yuri playing their songs most of the time, I got familiar with them and they were honestly good. Last year, they had a tour in Japan and although Yuri wanted to see them live, he knew he couldn’t because he might have an attack even before the show began. What I did, I booked us at a hotel near where they performed and we were thankful enough that the venue was an open ground because we were able to watch them from afar, but I was even more thankful Yuri tried his hardest to buy himself that it was okay to go out and that nothing bad would happen as long as he was with me. And it succeeded. He was able to go out for the first time after years and got easily accustomed to the hotel where we had the best view, though far, of the show and got to enjoy their music while we watched from the balcony of our room. I could still remember perfectly how Yuri sang to every song as loud as he could as if he was really there at the show and how he enjoyed that night despite the fact he couldn’t see them up close. That was the Yuri I always wanted to see—happy. However, he had an attack soon after the show because of the fireworks we both didn’t expect and when he calmed down, he just laughed it off and was able to mumble how great the show was. And that just made me love him even more than possible.

Yuri pulled away from the kiss with a puzzled look and I was surprised because I was out of the world again with my thoughts. “What was making you smile, huh, Ryo?” he asked silently, his arms tightening around my neck.

I shook my head as I pulled him closer until our faces were just an inch apart, my arms extended from his back until his shoulders. I looked at him for a while to appreciate his beauty before I whispered, sincerely, “I love you.” 

“I love you, too,” he whispered back as he rubbed his nose on mine before pulling away, “but why were you smiling in the kiss? A happy thought or memory?”

“A perfect memory.” I grinned, running my knuckles on the side of his face, and then tugged his hair behind his ear. I might have said this for the millionth time, but God, he is really beautiful that it was already an understatement. “I had a flashback of that time when we watched Coldplay from a hotel balcony somewhere last year. We had so much fun and we were able to save money for that. The hotel was cheaper than the concert ticket after all.”

He smiled, nodding his head, and then pouted. “I thought you were thinking of something naughty.”

I frowned and looked at him, teasingly. “You wanted me to?”

“To what? Think? You might fall over,” he teased as he stuck his tongue out at me.

I pulled him even closer, our noses touching once again, as I ignored his last statement. His eyes were glistening in the darkness due to the lamp shade sitting on the coffee table next to our couch. “To think and to do it?”

He laughed and pulled away to get off from my lap. “Not when you smell of alcohol and cigarette and some _girl’s_ perfume.” He was looking at me and then raised an eyebrow while crossing his arms. I knew what that body language meant.

“Okay, I’ll take a bath to wash off the smell of alcohol, cigarette, and Yuto’s _girl_ ,” I paused to indicate the spacing, “ _friends’_ perfume on me.” Spacing was important in literature and so was pausing in verbal conversation to avoid misinterpretation.

“Ow-kayyy.”

I patted the couch to tell him to sit next to me. “But first, sit with me and talk with me more. After that, I’ll take a bath. Great?”

He grinned at me, nodding. “Perfect!” He sat next to me and his head on my shoulder once again. “So, how was the night out? Did you have fun?”

“Yeah, I had fun. I was with Keito and Yuto as well as his two friends from work, and just _his_ friends, honest. We did have a great time.”

“Were you able to patch things up with them?”

“You know us, Yuri. We don’t talk about our issues. I think it’s better that way, so we can avoid more arguments. But I really wish you can come next time, though, because it will be a lot more fun,” I responded while I played with his soft hair, curling them around my index finger.

“Maybe,” he mumbled and smiled a little. There I knew it wasn’t a good statement I said because of all the people he knew, I was the one who knew best he couldn’t come at occasions like that. Although we already had short trips for the past month, Yuri being in a crowded and noisy place like the place we went to was still too much for him to handle. 

_You could really be stupid and insensitive at times, Ryosuke!_

There was silence between us, Coldplay still in the background, as I was playing with his fingers after his hair. It was kind of an automatic action from me whenever I felt like I said something offensive to play with his fingers, slightly massaging them, to tell him I was sorry. I verbalized my apologies all the time, but sometimes I just really felt like actions could be much better than words. Moreover, saying sorry could become banal that it could lose its meaning, but I still said it because it was proper and appropriate.

“Will you forgive me?”

He inhaled rather loudly as he wrapped both of his arms around my waist, “Forgive you for what?”

I pulled him up back to my laps and wrapped my arms around his small frame. He held my head and he gave me a kiss. I thought it was just for a while, but when I decided to pull away, he didn’t budge as he just kept kissing me and I just kissed back as well. It wasn’t so frequent for Yuri to initiate the moves, but I knew he was kissing me for another reason and I just had to let him. His hands went down to my neck and I felt how warm his hands were and at the same time how much they were trembling. I knew he was trying to suppress himself from showing me any emotion tonight, but I had to let him let those out. When he tried to slide in his tongue into my mouth, I pulled away and his head just fell down as he started fiddling on his fingers.

“Yuri...” I mumbled, but just shrugged his shoulders as his reply. I knew I hurt him and seeing him hurt was the last thing he wanted me to see. “I was insensitive and I am sorely sorry.”

He didn’t say anything in return and I just let the silence to cover the four corners of our house. I decided not to say anything more as well as I just pulled him into my arms to hold him securely. A few moments later, he looked up at me and then smiled before he stood up and walked toward our bed, fixing them when it was already fixed. I knew he was trying to avoid looking at me because I knew I screw things up this time. When Yuri was hurt, he wouldn’t really say anything. He had this tendency to just bottle all his feelings inside.

“Bath, Ryo,” he mumbled, his voice stern.

I scratched the back of my head before I stood. I watched his back and I could only manage to sigh because I knew what to do but I couldn’t do it because of the fear I might make a wrong move again. I was about to get inside the bathroom when he called my name and God I heard his voice cracked, so I immediately turned to him, but he wasn’t looking at me. 

“Yuri—“

“Ryo,” he muttered. He stood straight, exhaled, and then turned to me, his eyes obviously red despite the dimness of our room. “I’m sorry...”

I didn’t waste any second to run towards him as I immediately encapsulated him in my arms. He started crying as his small figure was trembling. He was apologizing over and over again and I felt bad. I really did. This was the least thing I wanted to make him feel—to feel sorry for being him because he had disorders. It was too careless of me to say something so insensitive that I didn’t even dare think beforehand about what Yuri might feel. I understood him more than anyone else, but could it be an unconscious desire spilled? I had no idea. I wanted to go back and make things right.

“Shh, don’t be sorry, love, please don’t. You did nothing wrong, okay? Nothing,” I comforted him while I rubbed his back. I needed to calm him down as soon as I could, otherwise, it might trigger another panic attack, but he wasn’t stopping. It was kind of unfair for him because there were circumstances where crying was necessary, but he always had to keep trying his best not to cry too much because breathing would later on be difficult for him and that might trigger another attack, therefore I also had to make sure he wouldn’t have another one by trying to help in altering his thought processes into a much safer ones. I knew he already had so much on his plate and crying could just ease it somehow, but sometimes I wanted to make him feel he had me and he wasn’t alone in his battle, so he didn’t have to fight alone. However, at the same time, I could only do much and I knew he still had to carry all the burdens despite my presence. I would never be enough, I knew that. It was true. Because I was not the one going through what he was going through. My love for him could only do much, but not enough. 

Love, after all, was not a cure.

I pulled away and firmly held his head on both sides, so he would just focus on me and on what I would say, but his eyes were looking everywhere but me. “Yuri, my love,” I whispered, rubbing my thumb across his cheek, “Fix your eyes on me, please.”

He was sobbing really hard and his lips were trembling. He was a little stubborn as he still avoided looking at me. “I’m sorry, Ryo...I’m—“

I cut him off by giving him a swift kiss on his lips and I was thankful because it made him set his eyes on me. “Love, it wasn’t your fault, so please don’t be sorry. You are trying your best, right? We are trying to get through this. You’re not alone and it’s not your fault, okay?” He was just looking at me, still crying, and for a while, I was lost on what to do more. “Do you understand me, Yuri?” He nodded while biting his lips. “We are going to keep trying and trying, right? We are not gonna give up like what we always do.”

“But...” he sniffled, “but I want you happy.”

I smiled sadly at him before I kissed him gently on his forehead. “I am happy, love. What made you think I am not?” 

“I am locking you away and you are not getting to enjoy life because you have me and—Ryoooo!” he cried harder as he buried his face in the crook of my neck. I held him tighter and at the same time monitoring the movement of his chest against mine. “Why—why do you have to stay with someone like me?” He was trying to speak in between his sobs, but I hated hearing his words. They were daggers hilting honestly deep into my chest. “I am just...just making life harder for you and—“

“Yuri, stop for now, please,” my voice cracked because I couldn’t bear the growing lump inside my throat anymore, but I had to be strong. Those were the words my friends had told me that he knew and I just realized those were the things filling in his head for who knew how long already. I regretted those times I gave in and told him those things. I should have been more careful and more sensitive about what effects it would have on Yuri afterwards. 

_Anxiety, Ryosuke, anxiety! Of course, he would worry even just the littlest things! Be more stupid, couldn’t you?_

“Do you remember that day when you told me about your disorder?” He nodded and I held him even tighter. “You told me and explained to me what Agoraphobia was. I didn’t even know that existed not until you told me about it. After the call, I looked it up on the internet and read books, so I could understand. I told you I was terrified at first, that I didn’t know how I would take care of you, but we learned it together and we tried hard. We still are and we’ll always do.” I paused for a while and I felt him wrapped his arms around me. “If I wasn’t happy, I should’ve left you since the beginning. I am always vocal when I feel something is hard and I don’t know what to do, but did I ever leave you? Looking after you is hard and it requires a great amount of courage and strength, but you,” I pulled away to look at him face-to-face, “you going through your disorders for years is harder. That’s why I couldn’t complain when I know I will never understand how it is to be in your shoes.

“Love...” Yuri was starting to calm down as his tears already ceased. “I am here with you not because I am obliged or I pity you or of some sort. I am here with you to take care of you, just like how couples do, because I love you and I accept _you_ and I want to have a share of your pain just so you won’t be carrying it all by yourself. I am here with you because I chose it, didn’t I tell you that? This is the decision I made and this decision is not something I am regretting just because I can’t have fun outside like how others are. I am having fun and that is on those days I get to be with you. _You_ are not locking me away, okay? You are not. You are my home, Yuri. Only you and _you_ are enough. And I want you, my love, to remember that all the time because no matter what happens, I will not leave you unless you want me to. I love you, Yuri. I love you so much and I want you to know I am with you all the time, okay?”

It took him a while to respond with a nod. He looked at me and gave me a small smile. I pulled him closer and gave him butterfly kisses almost all over his face to kiss away the tears and it felt way better to hear his soft chuckles.

“Ryosuke,” he called. “I love you and I will never let you go. Thank you for never failing to prove to me how much you love me and I might have never done the same thing, but I want you to know I love you so much as well. I love you every day.”

“I know that, Yuri. Even if you don’t tell me, I can feel how much you love me. Thank you as well for always trying so hard for me and for yourself. Thank you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and I want you and I need you. I really do.” 

I looked at him in the eyes and he did the same. We were just staring at one another and the longer I looked at him, the more I realized that my life would have never been this amazing without the person before me. He taught me so much about life. He taught me patience. He taught me understanding. He taught me to be kind to everybody because I didn’t know who was going through a tough time. And most importantly, he taught me to be me. With him, I had no fear to let my guards down. I didn’t fear to be bare. I didn’t fear to be exposed because no matter what I showed him, he accepted me. _All_ of me. And with that, I am more than thankful.


	3. Yamada

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Have you ever imagined a life spent in the same place for years, life as if made to be stagnant as lake water? Not even moving forward? You spent all your time locked away from the world because of the intense fear—so intense that could impair your every day functioning—that something might happen while you were out? You might be thinking it sounded crazy or you might be wondering if it was even true or worse you might be thinking how exaggerated and overly dramatic it was. I couldn’t blame you after all. I believed it was a problem to some people that they wouldn’t believe anything until they could see it with their naked eyes, but there were a lot of things unseen in this world but were true. And all I could say was, yes, that intense fear was true. Some people were going through something as “crazy” as that. And it did to him. It was happening to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally an update! I am sorry it took me ages to finish thisssss!! This is longer than the usual I wrote and I am scared you'll find it boring lol but still thank you for reading! :) Hope you'd enjoy this~ And it had been years since the last time I wrote a smut that was why I didn't have the confidence to write it entirely this time and at the same time I just want this fic to be as innocent as it can be lolwhats

I was awoken when I heard my alarm clock ringing.

I stretched my arm towards the bedside table to turn the damn thing off because Yuri had shifted from his position and faced his back on me, giving me way to get up because he knew I had to prepare for work even if I didn’t have to. He loved sleeping in more than anyone else since his job didn’t require him to get up early and sometimes his calls served as his alarm clock. Moreover, it was always a blessing for him whenever he got to sleep more than his body required and I was more than willing to let him sleep more because it was the start of two-day holiday and holidays just meant sleeping in more for us. It had been a while since the last time I had a day off—days off actually—from work and I needed to sleep in more and to cuddle him longer.  


I looked at the back of Yuri and watched how his shoulders heaved up and down. My eyes travelled up to his head, looking at his jet black straight silky hair that I loved playing with, down to his back until my eyes arrived to his hip area where a skin was a little exposed, perhaps when he shifted from one position to another, and I frowned because I noticed some scars on his right hip. Curious, I carefully caressed those scars and I had to admit it was the first time I saw it and felt it.  


_One, two, three… Three scars._  


I trembled as I could feel the pain on my side as if I was being wounded on the same spot of his scars. He was probably wounded a little deeper for them to scar so visibly like that and just by having a picture of a deep wound in my mind made the chill run down to my spine. I had seen Yuri topless numerous times but I hadn’t seen those scars before or maybe I just didn’t pay attention to notice or even remember it. He had once told me that he was such an accident prone kid back in middle school, together with his very first best friend I forgot the name and few friends, and he had few times he wounded and bruised his body from events he said were due to their stupidity and curiosity of being in their youth, and perhaps these scars were from those days.  


Yuri’s middle school days were one of the few happiest days he could remember, according to what he had told me before, and honestly, I always wondered how he was and even how he looked like on those days we still didn’t know each other. He had actually told me some stories about his past, just like those stupidity days he had with his best friend and some close friends, but it was still different if I were there with him to witness his stories. I just somewhat felt something was missing with the curiosity creeping inside me knowing I really didn’t know so much about the Yuri I never met especially about the Yuri who might be having the best moments of his life in middle school. He was fine telling stories, but they were mostly the summarized versions and he never liked it whenever I tried to ask probing questions, especially when it was about something he wasn’t comfortable talking about. He was the type of person who never liked walking down his memory lane and as his boyfriend, despite the curiosity, I had to respect that.  


_What was he doing in middle school to have scars where his uniform could cover?_  


I wanted to slide my hand under his pyjamas wondering there might be more scars, but before I could even do that, he gently pressed his hand on mine then intertwined it with his, stopping it from doing anything further.  


“Ryo…that’s ticklish,” he grumbled, his voice was deep.  


I smiled as I moved closer to him, pressing my body against his back while wrapping my arm around him. I could feel the warmth of his body spreading through mine and it felt so comfortable to be this warm in the cold morning. I lifted my head to give him a quick kiss on his temple as my apology and then carefully rested my head on top of his. I knew I’d wake him up completely, but I always had moments where I became selfish and all I wanted was to get my enough supply of attention and physical affection in the morning. Even if we had been together for years, I still always felt the craving inside me to hold him the closest as possible and maybe that was one example of how much one could need someone in their life. It could be exaggerated or you might think it was over dependency or overly needy, even greedy, but for me, it was just that Yuri was everything I needed and it always felt better with him. Just simply being with him was more than enough. You’d only meet the person that would make you feel happy enough just by being together once in your life and though a lot would make you feel the same, only one was meant to stay and for me it was him, my love, _my Yuri._  


“Ryosuke...” he whined, perhaps finding my clinginess annoying when all he wanted was just to sleep in more.  


“Hmm?” I hummed as I nuzzled him on the crook of his neck. There was a faint smell of vanilla and lavender on him. “You smell so good as always,” I mumbled, silently, unsure if it was audible for him.  


He didn’t say anything as his response, but rather shifted from his position again to face me, his eyes still closed, while grabbing my arms to hold him once again and wrapping his arms around me as well, entangling us on each other as if there was no letting go.  


A sweet smile formed on his lips, causing me to land a soft kiss on his forehead.  


“You realized you’re heavy, didn’t you, Yamada-san?”  


“I do, but I wanted to hold you, Chinen-san. I am sorry if I woke you up.”  


His eyes fluttered open. Our faces were just centimeters apart that I saw how his pupils dilated despite the lack of enough light since his back was facing against our window. “You didn’t, silly! I was already awake when your alarm clock rang. I just thought I could sleep in more while you prepare for work, but it seems like you are craving for some attention from me and not yet preparing for work, huh, manager-san?”  


“But, my love,” I whispered while I ran my hand through his locks, brushing his bed hair to the side to give me a better view of him. Yuri’s morning face—his eyes, cheeks, and lips always puffy—was just as cute as how he looked in every day. That was why I loved watching him in his sleep before I left for work because at that moment he was unaware of what he was carrying. “You didn’t realize it’s holiday until tomorrow, did you?”  


His eyes widened, playfully, as he sarcastically said, “You have holidaaay?”  


“I know, love. I was surprised upon realizing it, too.”  


“So rare, Ryo, really. Your work even takes you away from me on weekends most of the time. Shall I go and personally thank them for finally seeing the importance of employee well-being? It’s ironic because you are the one who knows so well about well-being but didn’t apply it to yourself, manager-san.”  


I knew that one was no longer sarcastic nor it was even meant to be a joke. My work was pretty demanding and it didn’t pick days when to call for urgent work. The entire HR Department was under my management and almost everything that was happening in the company, even in every department, was on our shoulders in HR. That was why, like what Yuri had said, though he tried so hard to conceal it with his sarcastic tone, I was even called on to work during weekends most of the time, even on holidays. Yuri and I had few arguments before about my work for being so demanding like I was the only employee, but I knew he was angry more for the reason he was worried I was neglecting my health just to meet the demands of my work as a manager, and he had at some way, though not direct, suggested to me leaving my work. However, it wasn’t that easy to just walk out from the first job I ever had. That was why I couldn’t also blame Yuto for getting mad about how worn-out I looked, but it was part of working and for being an adult. My job paid me surprisingly high ever since, even when I was just on entry-level years ago. It also had lots of benefits for me and for Yuri and even though workload was too much and I didn’t find it enjoying being there anymore, I just needed to look at the practical side. Both our salaries combined were even too much for the bills we had to pay, and on top of it all, I had dreams for us in which I didn’t see leaving my work as easy as it was said just for a reason I wasn’t happy anymore. There were just things in our life so hard to let go, regardless if we were still happy or not, because we had a goal we wanted to achieve together with the ones we loved.  


I looked at him for a while before he moved closer to me and rubbed his nose on my neck, his arms tightening around me.  


“Yuri…love…”  


He looked up at me and shook his head with a tight-lipped smile. “I know, I know, and I am sorry. I only get to celebrate holidays with you so rarely, but I still threw some attitude when I should just rather be thankful.”  


“No, it’s fine, Yuri. Not a big deal. I love it when you speak up to me what you’re feeling, but can you bear with me until I see _it_ necessary?”  


He just sweetly beamed at me and then let moment of silence to embrace us while staring at me. He then leaned forward and gave me a quick peck on my lips. No one could understand and tolerate me as much as Yuri could. I knew as his boyfriend I lacked a lot to be worthy of him, but he always reassured me that I didn’t need to be the ideal or the best boyfriend there was in the world because he would still love me no matter what.  


“Good morning, my Ryo.”  


I took a sigh and held him tighter, planting another kiss on his forehead. “Good morning, my love. Are we gonna sleep in during this rare holiday?”  


He frowned at me with a pout.  


“You don’t want to stay home?”  


He shook his head, still pouting. “Maybe it’s about time for us to go out.”  


“I am sensing some improvements here, no?”  


He didn’t say anything but a side smirk which I found annoying in a good way. That was the smirk showing how proud he was of himself, of his improvements, of the things he could do despite of his disorders.  


“Anything you want to do until tomorrow, love?”  


His annoying-in-a-good-way side smirk turned into a big grin as he raised his brows, simultaneously, still not saying anything.  


I was a little surprised he seemed really excited as if he already had something he wanted to do in his mind and it made me feel the same excitement as well. I was certain that what he wanted was to drive to someplace he wanted to visit because we had been having few short trips around Tokyo since his therapist advised to stop his medication a month ago—unless he would have relapse—and from what I had been seeing, I knew how much he was trying to live somewhat a normal life and to be able to go out and I was beyond proud of him. He had also been livelier since he stopped the medication and I really prayed to God for his recovery to keep progressing. Like what I had been saying, I wanted nothing for Yuri but to be better.  


“Let’s make the most of our time during the holiday because it is just once in a blue mooooon~ Any place in mind?”  


“How about Kyoto?” he whispered, which was adorable because he sounded like he was unsure if it would be okay for him to suggest that place, but hope was very evident in his eyes.  


_How can I even say no to that?_  


“Oh, so you wanted to go out of town this time, huh? Now, this is a big improvement, Yuri. I am so happy.”  


I then felt him playing with my hair on the back. “Because I know you are with me, so I think some things are worth trying as long as I am with you. Can we go?”  


I opened my mouth for a response I didn’t know what would be because his response surprised me that I didn’t know what to say in reply. Rather, I smiled at him as I felt my heart skipped a beat. He barely spoke sweet words to me, but when he did, it was surprising it could stop my heart for a second, even though it was just meant for me to say yes to his wishes sometimes. Who cared, though, because I didn’t and if he would wish about having a drive, then I had no heart to resist, especially if it meant Yuri trying out things he used to be scared of.  


“Anywhere my love wants to go, but that will be 6 hours drive from here.”  


“It’s fine! I will be fine! But as long as it’s fine for Ryosuke as well since you will be the one driving…” he answered, his tone was of excitement at the beginning but it ended to become a worried one.  


I held him on his nape and pulled his face even closer to mine, if possible, without our faces touching one another. “Of course, it’s okay for me, Yuri. As long as you will be enjoying and I will be with you, then that 6-hour drive is just a piece of cake.”  


He smiled, shyly, and didn’t say anything at all. I could see his face getting red up to his ears.  


“So what are we going to do in Kyoto, hmm, Yuri?”  


He looked to his upper right as if he was thinking while his lower lip was protruded and I didn’t waste a second to steal a kiss before he answered, his eyes were wide but he didn’t acknowledge the kiss, “Can we go to an _onsen_? I’ve been telling myself that I will try the _onsen_ once I started getting better.”  


“Well, there are not much _onsen_ in Kyoto, but I can try looking up for you then maybe I can have the reservation for us.”  


“Yay! I cannot wait to wear _yukata_! Ryosuke _saikou_!”

 

We were on the way to Kyoto for two hours already and Yuri was starting to become lively again.  


When I was looking up on the internet the hot springs in Kyoto, I was only able to find two popular resorts there. The first one I called was fully booked given that it was holiday and it really saddened Yuri and at the same time he was losing hope for our sudden trip. He told me I should have told him earlier about the holiday and all, so that we could prepare earlier, but everything was just unplanned and it was him who wanted to go as far as Kyoto even if it was fine for me to be blamed because knowing how much he was improving was enough for me to be excited. I was actually having fun watching him sulk while we were having our breakfast at home and though I had no heart to see him that heartbroken, I had a heart to enjoy just how adorable he was when disappointed. And as soon as the call finished from the second hot spring I called, Yuri already ran to our bedroom to pack our stuff. Luckily, they still had few vacancies to accommodate us and from what I saw from the pictures posted on their page, it was actually much better than the first one because the room was more spacious which would make Yuri to adjust even faster to the place and at the same time their hot spring was bigger and better. That was why I was beyond happy that our sudden trip agreed with our desire to go out and just enjoy the holidays together. Besides, it was a brave thing for Yuri to initiate going farther than he would normally prefer because our previous drive dates were only along Tokyo.  


The first drive date we had since Yuri was diagnosed with agoraphobia was in Odaiba, which was an almost 30-minute drive from where we lived in Meguro, and I could still remember how Yuri and I were both nervous and excited, but thankfully it went all right with just a little supply of mental note and exercise for Yuri to avoid an attack. We drove there to see the Rainbow Bridge and the renewed 20-meter Gundam statue because Yuri was a big fan of the franchise and when I posted a picture of him with the statue on Facebook, it was his therapist who reacted and commented first saying how happy he was Yuri was finally going out and that it was every therapist’s pride to see their patient getting better. After that, we spent until sunset at the DECKS Tokyo Beach just to enjoy the skyline wherein we just really had a peaceful time together, talking less, and just enjoying that rare moment. The second drive we had was in Asakusa, but we were both surprised by the overwhelming crowd when we arrived, so we decided to cancel it and just looked for a peaceful café with some good music somewhere in the less populated streets of Harajuku. The other ones were just around Meguro, Shibuya and Shinjuku and, to be honest, those few places we went to and the things we had seen were just additional because it was the drive that we both found the most fun. I knew it was difficult to drive without any destination, though we would prefer it if just possible, but everything was still an experience worth treasuring as long as we were together. I really hoped we could experience so many things together and abroad, if possible.  


_Someday._  


I took a quick glance at Yuri next to me and he was looking out the window as he started singing to Dai Hirai’s _Life is Beautiful_ , a Japanese singer we both loved listening to and we both referred him as Japan’s Bruno Mars because of the similarity of their voices.  


I smiled before I focused my eyes back to the road as I secretly slipped my hands through his, giving it a light squeeze, and I heard him chuckle in between his song. “You really can sing, Yuri.”  


“For your information, I was once a Fine Arts major even though I didn’t get a degree,” he said as a matter-of-fact.  


“I don’t think that still matters—not getting a degree—because I know you are enjoying your job because you still get to do what you really love to do,” I gave his hand a squeeze but I didn’t stop talking, “and it pays so well for someone without a degree, don’t you think? It just means that your clients see _your_ talent and not if you have a degree or not.”  


I saw him glance at me quickly from my peripheral vision before his eyes were set outside once again. He didn’t say anything for a while and when I turned to him, I could see the reflection of a wide smile on his face in the side window’s mirror.  


“Shh~ Quiet now, Ryo.”  


I could only grin at that because he really didn’t like it being interrupted with his jam.  


“ _Hey, love. Let’s go to the ocean. Sunahama ni yume kakeru ai wo mitsuke ni_ —” He stopped together with the music when my phone rang for a call.  


_Mom._  


“Hey—ah, it’s your mom. That must be important.”  


I grabbed my phone from its stand and Yuri helped me plugged off the auxiliary cord that connected my phone to the car’s speaker. “Hey, mom. How have you been?”  


“I am good~ Are you home?”  


I could hear my dad whispering something on the other line about dinner or something.  


“No, I’m driving.”  


“Is Yuri-kun with you?”  


I didn’t answer right away as I kind of sensed it was my mom’s way to let my dad know if Yuri was with me because if he was, I would barely hear my dad talk when he was naturally talkative. He wasn’t honestly getting along with Yuri yet— _I know, knowing we’ve been years together and all_ — so they still had this odd atmosphere between them, but my mom really liked him a lot and I guess my dad didn’t dislike him at all. Maybe he just really didn’t know how to act around him.  


“Uhm, he’s next to me. Why?”  


I noticed Yuri turning to me.  


“Can you put your phone on speaker?”  


“For a while.” I turned on the phone’s speaker and placed it back to the stand. “You’re on speaker now, mom.”  


“Yuri-kuuun~ How have you been?”  


I looked at him and his eyes were a little wide while pointing at himself. “ _Ore_?” he mouthed and it made me laugh while giving him a look that there was no other Yuri with us but him. “Ah, _baa-chan_ , hi! I am doing well. How about you?”  


“Don’t worry about me. Still healthy.” She laughed. “I am so happy to hear from you, Yuri-kun. It’s been a while _ne_?”  


“Un, it’s been a while, _baa-chan_.”  


There was a silence for a second, so I had to break the ice immediately before it turned awkward for Yuri to talk again. He was never good with sudden calls because his words tend to be jumbled in his head due to feeling panicky for not knowing what to say in the call. It was just kind of weird he did better with work-related calls than personal ones. Maybe because he had been doing that for quite long, so he was already used to it.  


“What made you call, mom?”  


“Well, it’s holiday, so if you’re free, maybe you can come over for early dinner later? Your sister is staying here with Yuta until tomorrow and your dad went to Tsukiji yesterday to buy some fish and eel. He was planning to make _unagi_ , saying it’s your favorite.”  


I cleared my throat while my hand was tapping on the stirring wheel. “About that, mom… Yuri and I are actually on our way to Kyoto for an overnight. Maybe we can come over tomorrow night if that’s still okay?”  


“Oh, I see,” she paused for a while as if thinking what she could say next. “Well, it’s good you’re getting Tokyo out of your lungs once in a while, right? I saw the photo you posted last time and I am really happy to see Yuri-kun going out again.”  


“Yeah. We’re taking things little-by-little.”  


I held his hand tighter and brought our intertwined hands to my lips to kiss the back of his hand, which made him giggle, silently.  


“That’s honestly so good to hear. There are so many good things to see and experience outside,” she said, excitedly, “I am so happy to see Yuri-kun having a lot more fun now.”  


“It…It is all thanks to Ryosuke, _baa-chan_. He’s been bringing me to places we can both enjoy.”  


I immediately turned to him to protest. “ _Iya, iya, iya_. This is possible because of you, Yuri, for always trying the hardest to help yourself.”  


“That’s true, Yuri-kun, and I am really so proud of you.”  


He softly giggled, probably inaudible in my mother’s line. “Thank you, _baa-chan_ …”  


“No need to thank me, okay? But I’ll hang up now, so Ryo-chan can focus with his driving. You two take care and you let me know if you can come over tomorrow.”  


“Yes, mom.”  


“Have a great time, Yuri-kun!”  


Yuri just nodded his head, not saying anything, as if my mother could see him nod.  


“And he said his thanks, mom.”  


“Still so shy _ne_?” We just laughed as I also didn’t know what to say. “Okay, okay, I’ll hang up now. Please send me tons of pictures, Ryo-chan, _ne_?”  


“ _Hai, hai_.”  


When the call ended, Yuri plugged in the cord once again and the music proceeded.  


“Have you visited them since the last time we went?” asked Yuri, holding my hand once again.  


“No, not yet. I haven’t had the time lately.”  


“You have to make sure to be there for the dinner tomorrow, okay? I am sure your mom wants to see you.”  


“You’re coming with me, right? I mean, will it be okay for you to come?”  


“Don’t worry about me, Ryo. I’ll be with you. Besides, Yuta-chan will be there, too, so maybe we can play.”  


I looked at him and beamed. “I am happy to hear that, Yuri. I am sure they are excited to see you again as well.”  


He nodded his head as we both just let the music reverberate in the comforting quietude that followed. His hand that was wrapped around my cold one tightened its grip, causing my hand to press on his three times.  


In our relationship, three presses on the hand meant _I love you_ and a single long squeeze meant apology.  


Yuri was never the talker. He could go on for long hours without saying anything especially when he was with people he just met. It always took him a long time before he could feel comfortable and safe with another person’s presence, but he really could talk when he was with me, especially on topics he was most interested in, or with his therapist. With my family, though they had known him for years, it was still hard for him to freely talk to them. He was shy being and talking with my mom and although she was the only one who could really talk to him, he really liked it even if it was just my mom doing all the talking most of the time. It was already natural for her to be the talker and she always had so much to talk about just like my dad, but she was more of the accommodating type while my dad was shy with new people.  


I remembered when I first brought Yuri to introduce to them and both of us were evidently nervous, it was my mother who was so overly familiar with him already. For us to be able to come out to my family and at the same time introduce Yuri took us quite a long time thinking it through. We were already dating for five months, if I remembered correctly, before I got to introduce him. I wanted to do it as soon as we became official because I didn’t want it to look like I was hiding him from my family when all I wanted was to tell the world he was mine. However, Yuri was very hesitant and was so anxious. He knew I had girlfriends before and he was my first boyfriend, so he couldn’t help not to think that my family wouldn’t understand my sudden shift in terms of my sexuality and, worst case scenario, they might even disown me. In all honesty, I was scared and unsure as well, but it was the thought of living every day knowing I was keeping something in me I so wanted to share to my family—though I honestly didn’t consider that time how they would react—that made me certain to come out. I knew it was much easier for people to accept us as friends than lovers, but we couldn’t just bring ourselves to lie about our relationship just to fit in what was the so-called _norm_ because we were the ones who would suffer at the end. Conforming to the norms would just keep us confined in an undesired place we wanted to get out from as we wasted our lives. There was nothing bad at conforming, but when you already felt all choked up for being so confined you couldn’t enjoy your life, then let go and be free. We were given the blessing to be in this world to have a life we desired and not to waste it on something the society irrationally and selfishly expected from us to the point we were being scraped off from our own happiness.  


We had honestly thought of all the worst scenarios and whatnots, but the number one thing I had to assure him beforehand was that whatever the outcome would be, I wouldn’t break up with him. However, when we became confident to come out, when we had both gathered all the courage and were ready to face that hurdle, it surprisingly turned out beyond so well. The moment I told them Yuri was my boyfriend, my mother smiled sweetly at me, tears evidently pooling in her eyes, as she engulfed me in her arms. That was the time I felt a big thorn being removed from my chest. She didn’t have any violent reaction. She didn’t ask further about since when did I start being attracted to men or had I been attracted to them even before or she had never thought I would be swinging this way or it was just a phase I was experiencing or if it was because my two best friends were together. Nothing at all. She accepted me without judgment and had I wished that every person in the closet had a mother or a family as accepting as what I had. She was surprisingly more concerned and excited on getting to know Yuri and didn’t ask further about our relationship. She really had this thing on cute children and she kept saying that Yuri was just as cute as a child and she would be more than willing to have him in the family. And in that instant, my mother already got fixated on him. I could still remember that was December, almost Christmas, and she was really talking to Yuri about spending the Christmas with us, which Yuri willingly accepted. She even got him a gift the next day as her means of welcoming him in the family ( _she even had a different Christmas gift for him mou!_ ) and she was talking to me through the phone while she shopped just to consult me if what she found would be liked by Yuri just for us to arrive at the decision to give him lavender scented candles and diffuser because, according to the seller, it was good to alleviate stress and anxiety, plus it was a useful gift for anyone. Therefore, since then, Yuri had been buying his supply of candles online and our entire apartment practically smelled of lavender.  


When it came to my dad, he didn’t do anything except he just hugged me and gave hard pats on my shoulder, and I knew it was pretty dangerous when he was not saying anything because we didn’t know what was going on inside his head, but all I knew, and what my mom also assured us, he wasn’t against us. At the same time, he wasn’t accepting us. He was in between—maybe tolerating, like what most were doing—and we accepted and understood it because tolerating us was much better than being against us. Besides, my dad had nothing against Yuri because when he had the chance, he treated him really nicely and he cared for him like how we did. I knew it wasn’t easy for my dad and even for my mom, though she really put up a great front, because I knew how much they liked kids and how much they wanted to have _lots_ of grandchildren. They wanted a bigger family and a house surrounded by children and it honestly hurt me realizing that because that was what we weren’t capable of having. At least, my sister had her 5-year old son, Yuta, who was also so attached to Yuri that he was only playing with him whenever our family had small gatherings at my parents’ house. And if my sister had no more plan on having another child, then the big family would just always be a dream for them, if it was still their dream.

 

It took us almost 7 hours to reach Kyoto as we arrived around 5pm.  


We checked in immediately because Yuri really wanted to get a nap as soon as we got there. He wasn’t able to get some sleep on the way due to the random topics that just kept coming for us to talk about, therefore the nonstop conversation. It was fun, but it was really tiring to be so hyped up during the long drive— _our asses were burning_ —and even I wanted to lie down and just get some nap.  


_I think I deserve a massage from Yuri as a reward for the long drive._  


“Yuriiii~” I called him, tugging on the sleeve of his sweater, as we walked on the hallway looking for our room.  


“What?” he asked without looking at me because he already knew I was up for some request. He just kept murmuring our room number as he looked at every door we passed by.  


“Can you give me a massage later?”  


He looked at me from the corner of his eyes for a while, almost like a glare, before the corner of his lips turned up. “No problem, but let me sleep first, okay?”  


_And as easy as that! Ha-ha!_  


I grinned big at him when he turned to me, but he just rolled his eyes.

Our room was at the far end of the corridor and it was a semi-traditional _ryokan_ ¬ style because it had a little touch of modernity, with the structure and interior as traditional and the pieces of furniture as modern. The living room was there as we entered the _ryokan_ and there was a _kotatsu_ in the middle and in front of it was an LED television installed up on the wall, while the kitchen was just parallel to it. The living room and the hallway that would lead us to our bedroom were separated by an almost 3-meter wooden sliding door and by the hallway was a window where the hot spring was partially on sight from a distance. I thought there would be futon mattress to sleep on in our room, but it was rather a super king-sized bed that was obviously way bigger for me and Yuri, considering our petite physique.  


I sat on the bed as I watched him settle our luggage next to the cabinet, feeling all excited and giddy for the much awaited holiday. This only used to be in our imagination for a long time, but due to all Yuri’s hard work, we were finally able to make it to reality and that just made me even more and more excited for the trips to come in the future.  


When he walked in front of me, I immediately grabbed him by his wrist and pulled him until my back fell flatly on the bed and him successfully landing on top of me, groaning in protest.  


“Don’t scare me like that, _aho_!” he retorted as he hit me on my arm, but he didn’t try getting off me.  


I could only do nothing but to laugh at how much he tried to pull off a maddened expression, which he was obliviously failing. I couldn’t even take it seriously because it just didn’t look _that_ mad with his adorable face.  


“It was such a long drive for us but fun. How are you so far, my love?”  


He gently laid his chin on top of his hand against my chest, his eyes looking up at me, while his other hand tried so hard to find mine for him to hold.  


“This place is beautiful, Ryo, as well as this room. This is actually too big to accommodate just the two of us, but it’s beautiful. How much is this?”  


“You don’t have to worry about that anymore, love. Let this holiday be all on me.”  


“But this seems pretty expensive. I mean, we can split, right?”  


“ _All_ on me, love. It’s my treat for you, okay?”  


He showed me a playful victorious smile while he raised his brows, simultaneously. “Well, if you insist, Yamada-san.”  


“We’d been using honorific since this morning. What’s up for it?”  


“Nothiiing! It just seemed fun.”  


“Well, if you say so.”  


Splitting bills had been our tradition because, like what I had said before, he never liked me paying for everything, but I was beyond thankful he had days wherein he just wanted to be spoiled and let me be a boyfriend to him. He could be such a considerate person for always making things less harder for me, but I loved it when he let me spoil him and asked me to give him lots of attention because, as a boyfriend, I wanted to do everything I could for him. We might be in a two-way relationship, but sometimes I just wanted to take the lead and take care of him like how a man would to a woman and, at the same time, I just wanted him to have those moments when he also wanted to be taken good care of by me. We never wanted to be in the norm, but sometimes it could just be an automatic reaction or just done unconsciously since we both were still men after all.  


And men _are_ men.  


However, rather than getting the well-deserved rest, we ended up cuddled up together in complete silence and no one got to nap for reasons we both didn’t understand. It was the growl from our stomachs that broke the silence, even our physical proximity, causing us to laugh our asses out because of how funny that interruption was for us.  


We went down to the restaurant to have our quick late lunch and early dinner in one meal because, apparently, cuddling couldn’t just solve human’s hunger, so eating was still as necessary. Besides, our last meal was still the breakfast we had before we left and we hadn’t eaten anything since then.  


“Do you want to have a stroll outside and then look for a _konbini_ nearby to buy our beer and snacks?”  


“ _Ii yo_. I remember my mom used to walk me at night when I was young because I love the colder weather. I still did it back in middle school and high school whenever I wanted to breathe some air to calm my anxiety.” He smiled at me before he took the last piece of his gyoza inside his mouth. He added while his mouth still half-full, “And it’s so peaceful here. Almost similar to Meguro but nicer. Makes me want to live here.”  


I gave him an understanding smile as I stood from my seat and offered a hand. “Let’s go?”  


“We’re moving here?”  


“No, silly!” I unexpectedly almost shouted because of how hilarious his shocked expression was—he was obviously serious about his question—and how he concluded we were moving as instant as that, causing my hand that was holding out for him to retreat back to my jeans’ pocket. “For a walk, I mean. We still have so much to deal with in Tokyo.”  


“Just you, though, manager-san,” he mumbled almost inaudibly before he finished his drink, glancing at me sideways.  


I shook my head, getting what his sideways glance meant, as I playfully showed off a forced expression holding out a hand again for him just to receive a playful blow on my stomach.  


“Hey, we just ate!”  


“I don’t care! You’re teasing me lot!”  


“Well, it’s because I missed you.”  


He was about to say something when he suddenly shut his mouth close. “I…I missed you, too…” He mumble under his breath, barely audible, as he accepted my hand with a playful grin on his face— _as if he didn’t sound shy telling me how he missed me just now._  


I held his hand tighter and pulled him up from his chair. “But really, from now on, whenever you feel like walking out at night, just tell me, okay? If you want some company like what I can only give you.”  


“You go home late most of the time, though. Besides, when I want to breathe some air, I just go up to the rooftop and I even get to see the panoramic view of the city lights.”  


“Have you tried painting up there or even just sketching?”  


His brows furrowed as he tilted his head to the side, almost touching my shoulder. “I haven’t, but that’s honestly a great idea. I’ll try doing it one day.”  


He smiled sweetly at me.  


I tugged his hand to pull him closer to my side as we walked out of the restaurant, my arm around his shoulders. The weather was much colder outside, but it was still bearable and rather comforting. Fall was about to end that was why the temperature was starting to drop lower—the perfect weather to cuddle.  


“Love, I am always home late, but you are still up no matter how late it is,” I continued.  


“Oi!” he exclaimed while he nudged me lightly on my side, forgetting we just ate. “If it’s not because of work, it’s because I am waiting for you, silly! I have to make sure you get a warm, comforting bath before you go to sleep!” He pouted and went on, “And you’ve been going out with your best friends quite frequently lately—which is really good—so I want to make you tea or coffee when you get home.”  


_Ah~ He sounded like a wife to me—my wife. You’re so cute, Chinen-san!_  


“Exactly my point, love. Let’s start to stroll around Meguro when I get home and de-stress together. Just imagine walking along the river late at night when the weather is way, way colder, especially now that winter is coming, and then have that _warm, comforting_ bath together.”  


He giggled next to me as he reached for my hand that was on his shoulder and gave it a quick but gentle peck. “Point well made, Yamada-san. It makes me feel excited knowing I now have you with me to walk with.”  


I stopped on my pace, causing Yuri to almost stumble on his steps. It was that seemingly sad tone in his last statement that made me stop from walking. I didn’t know if he was aware of how he sounded or it was just my own interpretation, and if it was my own, I interpreted it as if he had been longing to have someone to walk with, but since I was most of the time busy with work, he had no one. That thought was enough to bother and sadden me and I didn’t blame him for it. It just came to me that he was entitled to feel that way. He might not be the person who was comfortable being honest with his feelings, but it didn’t mean he couldn’t feel what was unspoken. It sometimes could be in the tone he used while he spoke or the body languages that I had to understand beyond what was being conveyed, but the important point there was awareness and sensitivity because we sometimes disregarded their feelings just because they didn’t voice them out.  


He turned to me and looked _at_ me. He didn’t move on his spot as I left my arm stretched out while I was inches behind him, our hands still intertwined. I tilted my head a little to the back as I looked at him down my nose. He still didn’t budge maybe because my silence was worrying him as he was just looking at me like a kid asking for forgiveness to his mother inside his head over and over again while being scolded for not finishing his food in his lunchbox because he prioritized playing.  


_Too much color in the picture, right?_  


“Ryo, what’s wrong?”  


I smiled at him as I broke off my gaze from him, shaking my head. I gripped on his hand a little tighter and then pulled him crashing on to me. I held his arms and wrapped them around my waist before my warm palms made contact with his flushed but cold cheeks.  


He looked around his surroundings as if he was looking if somebody caught us so affectionate to one another in public like it was an immoral act.  


“ _Chinen-san_ ,” I mumbled, running my thumbs on his cheeks, to get his attention back to me and at the same time make him feel everything was all right.  


_I am starting to like using honorific especially when I need to emphasize on something or when I need his attention on me._  


He looked at me with his eyes a little wider.  


“ _You_ always have me with you. _Always_ , love, _always_. That’s why from now on, if there are things you’ve been doing on your own and if you wanted my company, just tell me, okay? I may be busy with work, but you know how much I love spending time with you, right?”  


He nodded his head as he held my hands that were cupping his then warmed cheeks. “Now that I know I am getting better, I think I have more courage to try out things I stopped doing for years and have as much fun as we can together little-by-little.”  


I nodded while my lower lip was sucked in. “Little-by-little—”  


“And no rush.” He smiled at me while drawing my face closer to him until his lips pressed on mine for a quick kiss. He then looked _at_ me as if he was ripping into my soul with his eyes. “Thank you so much, Ryosuke.”  


“Yuri! That was the first kiss you gave me in public after a long time!”  


“Public your face!” he grumbled under his breath, looking away. “It’s nighttime and there is not even a single human being in this dark street aside from us.”  


He was about to walk away when I grabbed his hand and pulled him to connect our lips again for a chaste kiss. It was a little longer than what he gave me and probably more endearing, but there was no tongue included. No sensual touches. My hands were just kept cupping his face while my thumbs danced in circular motions on his cheeks and his hands were inside the pockets of my sweater. We just let our lips moved in accordance to what our hearts felt like it was the first and most romantic kiss we could ever share. It was innocent and sweet and I didn’t know what kiss would be as endearing as that. Whenever Yuri initiated something like this, it would always make my world as if it was a whirlwind. It would make me crazy down to the bones and though it was a little torturing on my part, it was the feeling I could die for to feel over and over again. Perhaps God made him to be less expressive because when he could, I had to admit he could beat me at it.  


_Was he practicing and planning all those sweet words and actions inside his head all this time until he perfected it? Beats me._  


“I love you, Yuri,” I cooed before I gave him the last peck on his lips.  


He walked a little backwards, giving a few inches distance between us, and then held my hand.  


He smiled at me before he tugged my hand. “ _Iku yo._ ”

 

It was past 10pm and less than an hour before the hot spring closed for the day.  


We were advised by one of the staff to have a dip an hour before it closed if we wanted it less populated for Yuri to experience it. They even joked when we were checking in that their resort was mostly accommodated by visitors aging from middle age to old age and they weren’t the type to experience the hot spring late at night. Usually, it was just some foreign visitors or adults who preferred to stay until closing time, but that was usually on peak seasons.  


“For a better experience of the hot spring, we give you these free cold beers that you can drink while having a dip because outside foods are strictly prohibited. And please do make sure to have your shower first before getting in,” the staff reminded as she handed us the two cold canned beers before we get in to their locker area to change.  


The hot spring was almost or the same size as the 50-meter pool and there was honestly no one but us to enjoy it. The weather actually dropped to 10 degrees—a lot colder than the usual 16 to 17 degrees in fall—when we got back from the convenience store that was why as soon as we got out of the shower area, we went right in the hot spring.  


“Ah, _kimochii naaa_ ~” Yuri sang while slowly sitting down in between my legs. “So this is how _onsen_ is like~”  


“It feels good, right?”  


I pulled him closer to me, his back pressing hard on my chest, as I rested my head on his shoulder, facing his neck.  


“Honestly feels great! I think we came in such a perfect timing because the weather dropped drastically tonight—perfect for _onsen_.”  


“ _Sou ne_ ~” was what I only managed to say as I just watched—appreciated—his neck and his Adam’s apple moving up and down as he talked. Few seconds into our silence and finally giving up resisting, I moved closer and sucked him on that soft spot under his earlobe. I heard him moan softly, but he didn’t say anything in protest. When I pulled away, I looked at that spot to make sure it didn’t leave any mark.  


He turned to me and smiled, playfully hitting me on my arm. “ _Warui ko_.”  


We spent the minutes after chatting while drinking our beer. We never ran out of topics to talk about as we always had a wide variety of topics from the most random things to the most serious ones. Sometimes the shifting of topics would just surprise us like _‘Weren’t we just talking about dogs a while ago? When did we shift to political issues?’_ Communication was really one of the most important recipes in our relationship. It wasn’t a perfect relationship nor we strived for that, but we always made time to converse or to communicate. We saw within one another, so we knew when someone was hiding something or was lying and it wasn’t our tradition to ignore it. And in terms with our petty— _most of the time_ —arguments, we were never the type who would sleep on the issue and not talk about it. We _always_ talked about it, even if the issue was not about the two of us but with other people, especially on mine, because we never liked to sleep with a heavy feeling or we never wanted to sleep not cuddled up just because we had an issue unsolved. It was always much better for us to wake up in a morning feeling somehow relieved because we were able to talk about it the night before and being physically close was really helpful. The more we escaped from the issues, the more we would be affected, so was our relationship.  


_Why will we let a chance go when we can already grab it?_  


“San Junipero is one of those episodes where you have to re-watch it to understand because San Junipero is not an actual place, it is—“ Yuri stopped when we heard the sliding door opening, revealing a male staff. We were just talking about our recent favorite Netflix drama _Black Mirror_ that was recently released in Japan and San Junipero was the episode that was mind-bottling for me, but Yuri got the metaphor behind the story the first time he watched it.  


He pulled away from our proximity and looked away.  


“ _Ojama shimasu_.”  


I just looked at him and didn’t say anything before I turned to the staff. “ _Hai_?”  


“I just want to inform you that the hot spring will be closing in 15 minutes.”  


“Okay, thank you,” I said with a smile as I bowed my head a little.  


When the staff left, Yuri exhaled as he went back to settle himself in between my legs once again. “I really don’t like sudden intrusions like that.”  


“I think they won’t mind seeing _us_ so close inside the hot spring, though.”  


“We can’t be sure about that, Ryo. They may be smiling at us, but inside their head, they feel the opposite.”  


I leaned a little forward and saw him pouting. I held up a hand on his cheek and made him turn to me to give him a reassuring smile while I ran my thumbs on his cheek.  


“Chinen-san,” I cooed his name and his pouted lips pursed as I noticed how his pupils dilated looking at me. “Just like what you told me, we can never control how other people will think or even talk about our relationship. All we have to do is be us and do what can make _us_ happy. People will talk and think however they want, but do we care? Besides, what’s in it for us? None, right?”  


He blinked continuously and I started to notice his eyes tearing up. “ _Mouuu_ ,” he whined like a kid who wanted to stifle their tears as his voice broke. “Anxiety sucks!”  


I sighed inwardly as I pulled his face closer to mine. “It does, love, but that’s why _I’m_ here with you.”  


He choked a laughter as the tears trailed down his face, nodding. “ _Always_ , Ryo.”  


I gave him a smile, not saying anything in return, as I rubbed those tears away.  


I looked _at_ him—into his eyes—and the more I got lost in his eyes, the more I felt the itch in my lips, and the more I felt I was being sucked in. I gave both his eyes butterfly kisses to stop his tears before my eyes travelled down to his nose that still had a tint of redness at its tip due to his crying and I could faintly smell the beer coming out from his slightly parted lips as he breathed out. I looked down on his lips and observed them—its redness, plumpness, and its upturned corners that made his lips look like a cupid’s bow. It was those lips that could kiss my worries away. Those lips that could bring me into a whirlwind when it spoke affection and honesty, but into a state of euphoria when they collided with mine. And as I was lost in my train of thoughts, I suddenly felt those lips on mine kissing me slowly and carefully like I was a frail being that needed extra carefulness or else I’d break.  


However, I wasn’t.  


_And he is already on my laps, facing me, for gracious fucking sake! And his hard-on…oh God, help me not to gnaw this man before me!_  


As soon as I was brought into euphoria, I kissed him back deeply and almost aggressively as I felt the burning carnal desire inside me telling me to dominate this man before me, to own him completely and to never let him go. The kiss was _waaaay_ different than the kiss we shared before. This wasn’t innocent. This was sensual. The kiss that would lead these two beings—these _two men in love_ with burning desire wildly sitting on the pit of our stomachs—into one.  


_15 minutes._  


We didn’t have enough time or else there was a high probability of the staff walking in on us in this compromising position that meant nothing but _that_. And that was the last thing we wanted to happen.  


“Room,” Yuri tried to mumble in the kiss before he slowly pulled away. He grabbed my hand and dragged me out of the hot spring, completely _naked_ , waltzing to the locker area as if it was the most normal thing in the world— _well, it is if you are in an onsen_.  


The almost five minute walk to our room was definitely the most agonizing five minutes of my life. I tried so hard to conceal my emotions and to walk as normally as I could without looking like I wanted to gnaw Yuri, plus the thin fabric of our _yukata_ wasn’t helping at all especially when our _bulges_ were trying to say hi and be friendly to everyone we passed by as we tried so hard to look all calm and fine on the outside.  


The door of our room slammed open as Yuri unusually took the lead in the darkness of our room. He pulled me up on the back of the door until it closed, his lips finding its way back to mine.  


“Let me touch and please you, please, Ryo?” he pleaded into my ear before he gave me a sweet peck on that sweet spot just right under my ear while slowly unknotting my _yukata_ until I was naked before him, no piece of cloth left— _naked._  


Yuri, the man I wanted to dominate before, was trying to turn the table around. And by just how innocently erotic— _if that’s even possible_ —his face was—and at the same time pulling off an expression conveying his desire for dominance and to overrule me—who was I to be against it?  


“Please do, love…”  


When he received the consent he needed, he kissed me again and I could feel his desire to top me with how his mouth crashed into mine. He was kissing me aggressively, sucking and biting on my lower lip until I felt it pulsate.  


I was no longer aware and was no longer in the right state of my sanity because I couldn’t even have a grasp of what was going on anymore. I knew where we were leading, but Yuri taking the lead always made me so lost. Ironic because it was the kind of moment I wanted to cherish every second of it, but I couldn’t just keep up anymore. I wanted him. I wanted him to touch me, to please me, and to just dominate me.  


And even before I knew it, our naked bodies were already crashing into each other endlessly and mercilessly, our bed creaking loud enough to be heard by our neighboring room, and we only cared less.

_If God is kind enough, then I want to dominate this man as well._

**Author's Note:**

> This fic obviously tackles two anxiety-related disorders, panic disorder and agoraphobia. I am no expert or professional and I just researched and used all the reference I have here with me. I am a psychology graduate, but I am not saying I have everything about the aforementioned disorders correct. I am really open for corrections and everything and I will be really thankful if someone would come up to say if I said something wrong~ Thank you so much.


End file.
